Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Taming and Training the Wild Leprechaun

Excerpt from 
End of the Rainbow: Taming and Training the Wild Leprechaun 
by Lochlan McShane

Now that you have set up your charms of protection, it is important to make sure your leprechaun is comfortable. Remember, DO NOT skip this step. Leprechauns are fae. If they feel they have been dealt with unfairly, they will not hesitate to kill you in your sleep.

Your leprechaun will require a cushion made from the golden pelt of a selkie, four changes of clothing tailored by elves, and a steady stream of recorded Irish reels played on an antique phonograph.

Your leprechaun will need space to dance. If there is not enough room, he will cast your furniture into a bonfire. This is especially true if you have furnished your home at IKEA.

He must have plenty of mead to drink. He will drink three times his weight in druid-brewed mead at every meal. If you must, substitute sun-cured sugar water stolen from a vicar's hummingbird feeder.

Leprechauns are accustomed to feeding at least six times a day. Here is a list of acceptable foods:
  • Dandelions (new) harvested under a full moon by a virgin wearing red shoes
  • Candied storm clouds
  • Salamander giggles (must be mixed with equal parts mermaid tears. See Harvesting of Magical Creatures, Kelly and Brannigan, 2nd ed., chapter 4)
  • Lattice-top currant pie baked in an active volcano
  • Biscuits dipped in disappointment marmalade (disappointment must be well-aged)
  • Chocolate-covered shamrock chips (must be sprinkled with sea salt)

If none of these are readily available, a leprechaun will happily dine on The  Riverside Shakespeare (1st edition.) A leprechaun will only eat the sonnets and the tragedies, but he loves the appearance of variety, so make sure the entire volume is intact.

Under no circumstances should you attempt to feed your leprechaun Lucky Charms breakfast cereal. To do so will bring about dire consequences, not limited to your "accidental" dismemberment and/or death.

A healthy leprechaun will have a round belly, rosy cheeks, and bright green raiment. If your leprechaun's color begins to drop off, apply an infusion of childlike amazement directly to the leprechaun's jowls. This should bring your leprechaun back to a healthy glow.

Follow these guidelines for the proper care and feeding of your leprechaun, and you'll be able to enjoy his charming antics for at least three weeks. By the time the next full moon rises, you'll be halfway to your pot of gold.

In the next chapter, we will cover tips and tricks for compelling your leprechaun to talk. Most enthusiasts will tell you, possessing a healthy and happy leprechaun is pointless without the location of his hidden treasure. Follow our sure-fire method and you will:

1. Convince your leprechaun to spill his guts
2. Obtain untold wealth
3. Avoid banshee curses or entanglements

Happy St. Patrick's Day!


What do you think?